peace within

hmm.. more private matters - shared in cyberspace (and with my three readers).

I am fighting my eternal dilemma of finding peace without self loathing, without prejudice, without doubts and without any other questions to myself. Yes, peace within.

That's a BIG WORD. Because, for me, there is always a counter word. always. If I am happy, I will wonder if it's real, how long it will last, and I can not relax and have peace, because there is always something. Something else. If I am confident, something will come along and take it all from me. Something, (usually) that I let into my life KNOWING that it will derail me. Oh, you say, is that the definition of selfdestruction? perhaps. And that worries me too. Yet, I cannot seem to stop doing it. I don't want to be perfect. I don't, at all. for several reasons. One is, that I know without inflation, that I can be top notch good- being half assed... second is, because I get bored easily, and being ALL GOOD takes all your focus and determination and energy, leaving nothing for actual self expression. I don't want to loose myself in the process. Take me with my imperfections, my human downfalls, AND my talents and compassion.

Sometimes I feel that I have something extra, that is what makes me unique, and strong, and there are times I feel I have something missing, and that is what makes me feel, well, the opposite - and weak. Weak is the worst. Weak cannot get out of any holes, weak will wither away... I am not weak, just lost. Sometimes. But for most of the other times, I am able to improvise and pull off a pretty good performance. Pretty darn good. Though I am not bragging and I am not proud of it, it's almost like I am laughing to myself a little bit, like when tricking my father into thinking what a hard worker I was when not even doing homework, because I am coasting on my natural abilities. Being fortunate for having some, and being doomed with my EQ, that has a range of INSANE to HALF DEAD. What am I to do???

I am not sure. But more and more I think that I have to tone it down. Both ways. I will not be the great savior of the human race, nor will I be the destruction of myself. Somewhere in between I shall find the golden median, where I can help some people and make myself happy without pretence. Without pretence. With eternal peace... No, I will not find Jesus, he's not lost. I have to find myself. What? You say 40 years should've been enough? oh yeah? By whose standards?? Who's setting the rules?? Bow down to society? I don't think so. If nothing else, I will try to be true to myself and will not give up this search till I stumble upon what I am looking for. Even if I am 80. At least I will have been true to one thing: my search.

Compromise is death. Conform to society, family, husband, career, 2.43 children, 401K.
Are you happy?? Are you in PEACE?

Few of us are. Don't' give up search. Don't be afraid. It's hard and it's lonely and it's difficult to keep going. But one thing you cannot expect from anyone else is to bring it to you.

Maybe the peace within is accepting eternal imbalance... could I be so lucky?